"Shunt" have done it...

"If I walk in a straight line towards a wool market and blink at the same time does it make sense to wash that way or not? I'm not sure, which is why I smile with a wink and then skip away, waving as if it hasn't really affected me, but oh it has and I'll probably cry tonight after watching some late night tv with peanut butter still around my mouth. When I wake I'll probably lazily read some pornography before attempting to make a smoothy out of an old cactus and some boiled sweets with ants in. I'll then feed it to the cats in the garden hoping that they won't shit in the soil anymore."


This is the beginning to "I'll take the big piece" the new memoirs by A.B Shunt, the infamous cigar smoking hermaphrodite, who starred in a total of 412 episodes of Casualty before finally bowing down in front of a high speed train. The memoirs give detailed accounts of how Shunt or 'Shunty' to his mates then went on to write and star in the hit musical "If you touch my leg again..." where the show would present a different ending every night from "...I'll pay you fifty quid" to "...I'll cut yer fucking balls off". After a series of mixed reviews Shunt went into a destructive cycle culminating in his high profile arrest whilst shooting up in Harrods. The memoirs detail how Shunt then went into hiding where rumours spread that he was working on his debut novel which was finally released in 1998 entitled "wrong hole". Shunt explains how these second written works took him six years to compile where he gives a detailed account of where it all began "I shouldn't have started but I was drunk and had just bought some fish so I thought what the hell".


Available in all good bookstores "I'll take the big piece" is out in late November with reading inadvisable.

The Great Debate 2: Aliens?

Today's titanic debate, Aliens. Are they? If they are, who are they? And most importantly, do they go to Betty's Tea Rooms? Off we go...


Like a few other people, I have watched several films containing aliens. Most films I have seen depict aliens as nasty creatures with big teeth, double mouths, acid for blood or long necks. (Ok, I may have only seen one film with aliens in it.)

These films (film) are obviously made to scare us and on many occasions I have had to visit the lavatory rather sharply and then rewind the film to see the bits I missed, only to immediately revisit the lavatory again on the second viewing. Other films depict aliens as friendly creatures who want to be friends with us or maybe just muck about a bit on earth.


So, which of these portrays aliens correctly, or do aliens exist at all? I don't know, but I can take a guess, though I'm not going to tell you for fear of looking stupid. Lets get down to intergalactic brass tacks.


First of all there was the big bang, which created the universe. If aliens were alive at this time, it would have killed them, a completely irrelevant point. Aliens may well have evolved, just as we have, but hundreds of miles away. The law of averages says this must be true. But, as we know, if something is average, it is not very good, so that argument can be discarded too. Thanks.


It would be very egotistic of us to assume that we are the only beings in the universe. It is difficult to imagine how large the universe is, but think of thousands of football pitches sewn together. That gives you an idea. So lets assume aliens do exist. Are they nice or nasty? I don't know. If aliens were nasty then I am sure that they would travel to our world in order to dominate it and claim it as their own, or just maybe bully us for something to do. If they were nice, they probably want to just let us get on with our lives and not bother us, just to be kind. They may spy on us from a spaceship, but only for fun. They may come down to earth and tickle you in your sleep like a silver intergalactic Santa.


Assuming then that aliens are nice (because they haven't yet invaded us or shot us with laser beams) we can therefore think that, if they did visit us to say hello and have some earth tea, we could fire missiles at them, shoot them and drown them (if they had lungs) and they would be too nice to fight back or say, "Stop it please!" This is a comforting thought. I could glue a dead alien to my wall.


Some say aliens live among us. I am half inclined to believe this having met some very strange people, but on the other hand aliens would have sharp teeth, tentacles, a long neck, a glowing finger, or some distinguishable feature that would out them as not of our kind and would therefore be put in a zoo for children to torment. Also there would be laser guns handed in at the recent amnesty.


In conclusion then, there is no conclusive evidence to say whether aliens exist and if they do, are they nice or nasty. All we can do is look at the evidence that we do have and make sensible assumptions. This is what I have tried to do. If an alien is reading this by the way, do come to my house for some earth tea and can I have a go in your spaceship please?


What do you think? Send us your views on the matter. Have you met an alien? Did you have sex with them? Do they smoke cigarettes? Did they let you have a go in their space ship?


The truth is out there!

Strange but oh so very true...

In 1954 Albert Spindlefinger, of New York, completed a hat-trick of eating and groping records by managing to eat six fully grown cows before finally vomiting his face off.  The mean feat, which took Albert four days to complete, followed previous world records of "arse-pinching" and "ball-cupping" during which he managed to gently cup the balls of no fewer that 2712 men in just 7 short days of May 1953. As a result of this Albert became the main influence for the film Condorman, which had an initial working title of "Mr Spindlefinger and his amazing ball cupping adventures".  Albert finally died in 1974 after being gunned down outside of a YMCA in Berlin.

The COMOOX.COM Art Gallery

Whilst they do work to earn regular salaries both Rich and Matt also do art.  They sell it as well.  Would you like some.  Matt concentrates mainly on "The art of not looking" - described by critics as "A futuristic look at art, devoid of vision in a contemporary egotistical society".  Rich's work however is much more abstract, entitled "Under the glass table", the pieces focus on memories from dreams and the moments in time just before you sense a deja-vu.  Critics hail this one "Wonderful and dreadful all at once - I wept."

The Art of Not Looking:

   

Skiing - ink on post-it (£37.00), Parklife - pencil on scrap paper (£124.72), Summer Loving - lead on post-it (offers).  All available from comoox@comoox.com.  Email for enquiries.

Under the Glass Table:

        

Cooker - pen on card (£0.48), Merry-go-round Misery - pen and ink on back of envelope (£1200), Checkmate - charcoal on paper (Auction to take place at Sotheby's in early June - guide price £4.8m). Defeat or Victory - magic marker on skin (£12.57)   All are available from comoox@comoox.com.  Email for enquiries.

Thoughts of Fruit - "The Orange"

"I was born in Seville. Growing up I had a tough time and was picked on at an early age. In my teens I got into the Goth scene and met some really nice friends. I now run an ice cream parlour in Brighton. I'm adventurous in the bedroom and am looking for an older rock star or high profile politician for quiet nights in."

The Great Debate 1: Meat or Veg?

Today's debate is 'meat or vegetables?' Lets rumble.


I am a carnivore, so are you, even if you think you aren't, or if you are vegetarian, you are a carnivore. Look at your teeth, this is proof. Yes humans are designed to eat meat, but we also are designed to eat vegetables too, look at your hands, this is proof. So, should we eat meat, or should we eat veg? Personally, I eat both although I always leave the meat till last as that is my favourite. I love to eat fat if it is soft and not chewy (I can't stand it when you swallow stringy fat and one bits goes down your throat and the other bit remains in your mouth.)


Meat is good for you as it is made from animals insides, we are animals too so it is good to put it inside us. That's why we don't eat fur, we wear it, and why we don't eat horns, we put them on our heads or round our necks, or have an ornate potato peeler with a carved bone handle, shaped like a Geisha.


Do vegetables have a place in our diet, or should they be the only constituent in our diet? I don't know. Vegetarians don't eat meat because they believe killing animals is wrong. This is hypocritical as vegetables are treated less humanly than animals, they are often grabbed by their hair and physically ripped out of the ground or are decapitated or are uprooted by a giant machine with a rotating spiky thing. They do not complain. Imagine if you will, the outrage if it were a field full of babies instead. A lot of people would argue that vegetables cannot feel pain or have feelings. I would not disagree with this.


A good point to consider is that the population of animals e.g. Chickens, pigs, cows, bison, are at an all time high (I expect) purely due to the fact that they are bred for food. This means they are less likely to become extinct. If people of old ate dodo burgers with their mead and crisps, the ill-fated bird would still be with us now (possibly.)


Maybe vegetarians would be happier if the animals we eat were killed by more natural causes. Maybe therefore we should allow them to ride motorcycles, perform their own electrical wiring or drink. This would surely increase the number of accidental deaths among animals, enough for us to eat and therefore no unnatural killing would be needed. There could be a special 'meat ambulance' which would look exactly the same as a normal ambulance from the outside but inside, it would appear more like a butchers. It's just an idea, it's not like I'm going to write to the Agricultural Minister or anything.


Vegetables are necessary in our diet for good health, they can help us to see in the dark and develop hairs on our chest. With all the genetic modification going on at the moment I don't see why they can't make vegetables taste like meat, then they would be a pleasure to eat. For instance sprouts that taste of chicken hearts, shredded cabbage that tastes like flaps of lambskin and asparagus that tastes like skinny turkey legs. Come on scientists, I want to eat a healthy bacon sandwich!

What is this site that I am looking at with my eyes?...

COMOOM.COM is generated and maintained with the aid of a great and unique bunch of people. A team of 37 currently make up the COMOOX.COM staff which has grown from the two founders, Matt and Rich, to a team of fully paid comedy writers, accountants, office managers, cleaners, gym assistants and secretaries (of which there are nine).


Since 1999 and its flotation on the LSE at a single share price of 3p, COMOOX.COM has shown rapid growth in every sector. Today the COMOOX.COM share price stands 67.23GBP and has made its founders Matt and Rich multi-millionaires. COMOOX.COM represents business in all key areas of industry from cloth to gold to oil to chocolate to books to cars to spaceships - COMOOX.COM has it covered.


Let me remind you - we are all in safe hands.


Yours for now,


Lana Pruttem (Vice-President of COMOOX.COM)