The state we're in!

Somebody sent me this link..... I had to share it with you.... welcome to my country.

Swedish versus British Nightclubs

I'll be at the airport in a minute but I can't find my passport.

Ooooooo them cold nights

Ghosts eh? Do they? Don't they? Would they? Would you? It's all a mystery with only the odd tit for tat evidence to suggest that it isn't just nutters seeing stuff out of the corner of their little eyes. "but you must of seen those pictures of floating ghostly figures and that?", I hear you ask. "no, I can't read", I reply.

So how and when do you see a ghost and that then? Well according to reports and that scouser on living tv, you are in the presence of a ghost if the hairs stand up on the back of your neck, or you feel a slight shiver, or need the toilet a lot, or the tv goes off on its own, or you lose your erection, or the cat leaves the room (especially if you don't have a cat) or you accidentally drop one of the best china dishes onto your tiled kitchen floor.

Now I don't believe in ghosts, well didn't, until I read about Campo McMarks. Campo McMarks was a carpenter used to live on Christmas Isle in the middle of the Pacific. Campo actually managed to marry a ghost. Can you believe it? He met and fell for 'Fanny' the ghost after she kindly opened a door for him when he was carrying chopped wood for a dwindling fire. After a short courting period they married in a brief ceremony in front of over 2000 people of who most were dead. They remained faithful to each other for sixteen years until Fanny was accidentally sucked into an industrial cleaner. Friends of the couple never actually saw Fanny but could tell when she was around due to her distinct smell. Campo subsequently committed suicide and asked for his cremated ashes to be sucked into the very same cleaner where Fanny went. Now that's the meaning of true love.

As a result of this the romantic side to me was won over and not one to miss all the action I'm now currently dating a poltergeist named Judy. We play squash together although she's not very good and we like to go to the cinema where she has a good laugh throwing popcorn at me. We plan to marry in the spring time although my parents disapprove.

Have you ever had dangerous liaisons with a ghost? Been aroused by a spectre? Fancy a fling with a floating ming?

Anyway, thanks for stopping by.

Number 29 Creosote Street, Barnaby's pets and Aquatic life. A lovely sunny day and the smell of wet straw in the air. "Better feed the fish I thought." A daily task, scheduled at 10.00am, but sometimes it would be five past. It was a joy to see little Johnny swim from under his castle to receive his meal of what looks like confetti but smells like a prostitutes closet. A bell tinkles, a door slides open, "Oh Christ."


"Hello Mrs Figgley, I haven't seen you since....mmmmm, yesterday. More frozen locusts is it?"


"No Lionel, I just thought I would stop by and say hello."


"Hello then."


"Have you heard?"


"I'm guessing I haven't."


"Audrey Pinkerton has developed malaria after she went away with her toy boy from The Mews. Serves her right though, filthy cow, I always said a dirty life leads to dirty blood. Mind you, what is he thinking, she looks like an oil rig, even after her £3000 worth of cosmetic surgery. She looks like Pamela Anderson after a mining accident. I wouldn't date her but then again I have morals, I mean I musn't gossip but, do you know Judith at the clinic?"


"Judith?"


"Judith McAurthur, at the STD centre?"


"No, should I?"


"Well, she reckons she has seen her there at least 3 times and she only works there part time, given that her husband is away and lot and she has those 3 beastly children. I'd lock them in a cave and throw away the key I would."


"Nice, anyway thanks for stopping by."


"Yes, and did you know Ashley has been done for stealing again?"


"No I didn't."


"Oh yes, he stole a Wallett from Primark, was empty like, but it caused a right stink apparently. Store detectives chased him all over the place until they jumped on him in the knicker department and had to bind his hands with a ladies brassiere!"


"Golly, what is the world coming to? Well, thanks for stopping by. I'll get the door for you."


"speaking of doors, My sister tells me that Bobby Tilley has been having an affair with Brian Gold on the Barn Estate, both married, with kids and it turns out they are woofters! Who'd have thought, they're big blokes as well. Oooh it makes me shudder to think of what they get up to behind closed curtains. Our Billy says that Brian is probably the bitch whatever that means. I think they are both bitches for what they are doing to their families. Anyway, I can't stay here talking to you all day, I'll stop by tomorrow. Ta Ta love."


Finally a silence, almost like the world has stopped, Lionel can only hear the quiet bubbling of the oxygen in the water and the faint rustlings of a hamster in an empty toilet roll tube. Lionel contemplates how he loves the company of animals and hates Mrs Figgley.
"I think I will import an alligator and starve it," he mumbles to himself. "Yes, thats a good idea, Mrs Figgley will be stopping by, but she won't be leaving. I must go feed the fish, It's gone half past already!"

You've been facted!

You've been facted is a new regular item which will be appearing regularly on comoox.com on a 'regular' basis, from time to time, here and there.



Fact 1: If all the hatstands in the world were placed end to end they would reach the sun and hold a magnificent 450,000,000 coats and macs, 205,000,000 hats (mainly fedoras) and 78 misplaced shoes. Interestingly scarves could not be used due to the increased risk of fire. The hats nearest the sun would be the hottest and most burnt, whereas the hats nearest the earth would be the most reachable and useful.

You've been facted!