Smith and Westie

Hello, my name is Smith. This is me age 3. I had just been potty trained and achieved my bronze swimming award all in the same day, so I was allowed to have my photograph taken wearing the family jumper. Later that day my Father introduced me to Lambert & Butler, an unpleasant but essential part of my life, however by the age of 4, I much preferred a pipe.

Little did I know that by the age of 5 I would be completing my 3rd parachute jump into Germany, Ak-Ak's firing all around me, the smell of propane on my collar and excrement on the floor. With a parachute pack full of moth balls I jumped, imagining what destiny could have in store for me that day. Luckily there was not a war on at the time and I only suffered a broken leg.

More from 'The Memoirs of Smith' next week.