have you seen my nipples?

my name is alan. i am a gemini. i like to dress up at weekends and drink too much so that i am sick when i arrive at work on a monday morning.

my favourite food is gravy. i like sucking on cherries and spitting the pips at cats. i once dated kate blanchett and can often be found sniffing around gordon ramsey's feet.

i like to pretend that i am a ghost when in the park by floating like a baloon and not caring about the world. when i was twelve i accidentally fell into the canal whilst being carried in the shopping basket of a bike. i was told that i almost drowned but was saved by vanessa felts who gave me mouth to mouth and genital herpes. i speak six different languages including welsh and hebrew. i make my own gin.

i was once an extra in some mothers do have 'em. i played a small dog.

when i grow up i would like to be grown up and be capable of growing a beard or at least maintaining an erection or a conversation. i like bill gates.

i'd like to go to the toilet now. can you please open the door?