Film Review

A new feature on comoox.com is our film preview. Matt and Rich obtain films from 'Dodgy Pete' at the Ferret and Kettle, sometimes even before they appear at the cinema, giving you, the potential viewer the chance to find out whether they are shit or not.

This week:

Spiderman 3 and The Man Made From Beach

Tobey Maguire again appears in this film as both Spiderman and the hapless tit Peter Parker, with Kirsten Dunce playing the supporting role of MJ, and well supported she appears to be.

All superheroes require a baddy to fight against and this time the honour arrives at the giant feet of Thomas Haden Church (Size 18!) Church Plays the evil Sandman who is created when a magic dog coughs up an opel fruit onto Brighton beach in front of a retired buttock specialist. A worthy oppenent too he is, being able not only to morph from man to sand and back again, but also he can be quick sand, magic sand, sand paper and Sandy Toksvig.

Spiderman's role in this film is to attempt to find a big enough can of talc to defeat The Sandman. However Spiderman's life is never easy is it? In this episode Spiderman meets his alter ego, his twin, dopple ganger and lookey likey, apart from this new Spiderman is black. This affords him the skills of rhythm, being able to dance and having a long Johnson.

The 3rd installment of this film is made much more exciting this time by the fact that our hero can now shoot cotton from his fingers, walk up walls and he also now carries a pea shooter in his back pocket.

My favourite part of the film was when a random person got up in front of the camera to get some more popcorn. My least favourite bit was the lack of female nudity.

In conclusion then, the copy of the film I watched was well dodgy and 'Dodgy Pete' is gonna get a kickin next time I see him. 5 quid I paid for that, although he did chuck in a pair of 'genuine' Levis with it, which are great although I still need to cut some holes for where my legs should go.

Next week: Pirates Of The Carribean 6: Old Man's Cough, Health & Safety: Danger! Fire in your kitchen

Thoughts for the day

Does Mexican pornography have 'up-poncho' shots?

Is a bush in the hand worth two in the bird?

What the fucking hell is Tourettes?

Can I come round for tea please?

Do you have any spare change?

Why don't they make an episode of Dr Who in which he is a landlord instead?

Leslie Ash competition

Whilst washing my next door neighbours cat I happened to stumble upon a magazine entitled "Big Jugs" - which was all about metal work. Now in said magazine was a competition. Now we all like competitions don't we boys and girls, especially competitions where you could win a years supply of makeup remover. The comoox.com office went wild over this and with the kind permission of "Big Jugs" we are allowing comoox readers to compete. All you have to do is complete the following sentence "Yesterday I had a very awkward incident involving a policeman and Leslie Ash...". As easy as that. Alan* our new window cleaner came up with the following. See if you can beat it!

"Yesterday I had a very awkward incident involving a policeman and Leslie Ash... Leslie and I had just been for a coffee after shopping for jaundice pills on the internet when we were stopped by a panting police officer. "Did you just see a man run this way", he gasped.... and followed with "Are you that Leslie Ash bint?". Now Leslie doesn't normally like to be stopped in the street especially by overweight police officers but as nice as she is she didn't make a fuss and told the police officer not to make a scene. "Make a scene!", he shouted "make a scene!... now why would I make a scene you pretentious tramp". At which point a buttered scone fell from an open top bus and landed on to his nose."

*Alan is on day release

When it rains it pours

Ignoring the trouble we are having getting the comoox.com redesign fully up and running, rich and I have been having a double fun time in celebrity rehab. Here is an excerpt from my diary last week...

Technically it's neither right or wrong. Although rehab is meant to be a place to cleanse I find myself agreeing that getting pissed with robbie and britney and playing strip poker to be a somewhat sensible and frankly day to day thing to do. normality.

It's 9.45am. Britney jumps up and runs to the toilet to vomit. She's been doing this a lot lately which gives me a chance to write my memoirs. She claims it's ever since the 'up-skirt' photographs that were splashed across the globe - but I think it's because she only eats green leaves. Robbie and I exchange glances and do high-fives. What a fucking morning, he yawns. We've already drank a bottle of vodka and counselling starts at 10. We'll hide I'm sure.

Rich managed to escape through the toilet cistern last night and one of the wardens is looking for him in the grounds. We can't get out. It's in our contract. It's like fort fucking knox in here with CCTV cameras everywhere. They'll call off the alarm soon when they find him squating behind the bins pretending to be a bush or something.

Britney comes back and apologises for rushing. Where are we?, she questions as if all is well. Robbie is now naked and I'm down to my socks and 'george' underpants. Britney is wearing a three piece suit and a prada scarf. She knows her poker. neither of us has layed her yet although rich got closest whilst shaving her scalp the other night. she'd noticed his semi and curled a corner of her lip. In some countries that counts for full sex. What I'd give for a tit wank now.