Old news stories:

27 May 06

1. Hoorahhh! Big brother is back with its brain melting mix of piss-heads, freaks, ego-maniacs and welsh lifeguards. 18 year old Glyn Wise, a lifeguard from north Wales is an early favourite after arriving at the house dressed as Mr Muscle. Glyn however has had a set back in standings afer being told off by Big Brother for talking with fellow Welshling, Imogen, in "tongues". Glyn argued back by saying that he was just having a conversation in welsh. An experienced translator watching the tape closely outlined exactly what was said between Glyn and Imogen at 6.13pm on the second day in the house. Glyn turned to Imogen and whispered "where do they keep the cheese in this joint?" Imogen replised "You want me to take off my pants?". Big Brother continues to monitor.

2. Hillary Armstrong, in her first speech as social secretary, will call for early intervention to stop young people from being cut off from society. It has been estimated that there are one million people in the uk who are socialy excluded with 5% of the population at risk of being so. In a quote today she identified that "there is this almost intractable group that are not getting anything from school and not getting into training and not getting into jobs" then asked to identify the reasons why, a leading social scientist, Mark Standish, outlined: (a) Frost bite (b) lost keys (c) an inability to hold a sneeze in (d) a fear of making a noise when having a poo, and finally and more importantly (e) afraid of the dark. Ms Armstrong refused to comment.

3. The Royal Mint has reacted strongly to news that people are melting down their old 1p and 2p coins after it was reported that a 2p coin is now actually worth £4500 - due to sharp rises in the price of copper. As a result of the now huge demand, Sandra Mcginty, a retired cleaner from Aldershot became a six time millionaire after selling "some old coins in a sock" on ebay.

Despite the Royal Mint stating that melting down its currency was not only illegal - but impractical, a popular high street store has started accepting melted copper as legal tendor as long as it is in the "shape of a little monkey". Army and Navy declined to comment.

4. It has been confirmed that Lib dem party MP's have been discussing their new leaders question time performances. Sir Menzies Cambell, who likes to call himself Ming, has been critisised for not being merciless enough with one party member being quoted as saying "he may be leader of Mongo - but uk politics ain't no planet of doom". Sir Ming has previously declined to comment after being "busy" ironing his collars.