COMOOX.COM - where is my cat?

A vicar and a potato?

2008-10-31T22:40:00.002Z

It's been a while but today of all days I couldn't resist...

So in the news today there has been a story about a vicar that turned up at hospital with a potato up his bottom! Now I'm assuming that he didn't misread the definition of chitting but it got me thinking... what are the top ten things that people have checked into hospital upon (inside) their person:

10. A darth vader figurine
9. A box of silk tray
8. Tin of sardines
7. A friendship bracelet
6. A life size replica of Michael Winner
5. A chocolate starfish
4. An I love NY snow globe
3. Jeremy beadles hand
2. The entire cast of "My two dads"
1. A Charles and Diana full dinner set with matching napkins, tablecloth and an inscribed 213 piece cutlery set with the words "I'm not what you think i am, I may be made of wool, but i'm not stupid", written on.

So the question to all reader is.... what have you found / left / wanted up you?

Goodbye...

2007-07-18T06:50:00.000+01:00

"say goodbye Tommy"

"goodbye Tommy"

The End.

Losing track of time - cracked ribs and rickets

2007-07-11T13:35:00.000+01:00

Hot off the press:

comoox.com is to close. Yes comoox.com is to be no more. Where is my cat? has served its purpose and as a result will move on.

Matt and Rich are to concentrate now on other projects and can no longer apply their trade to the website. Both have enjoyed their writing and the feedback received and they've both enjoyed talking with new people.

A book written by both entitled "I thought you said 2am?" is due out in Spring 08. Please continue to check Amazon for its release.

The following statements have been released from both:

Matt - "It's was good whilst it lasted but like a bad turd - it starts to go stale after a while"

Rich - "Can you take the chains off me now?"

Goodbye and good night.

Lana.

have you seen my nipples?

2007-06-04T13:33:00.000+01:00

my name is alan. i am a gemini. i like to dress up at weekends and drink too much so that i am sick when i arrive at work on a monday morning.

my favourite food is gravy. i like sucking on cherries and spitting the pips at cats. i once dated kate blanchett and can often be found sniffing around gordon ramsey's feet.

i like to pretend that i am a ghost when in the park by floating like a baloon and not caring about the world. when i was twelve i accidentally fell into the canal whilst being carried in the shopping basket of a bike. i was told that i almost drowned but was saved by vanessa felts who gave me mouth to mouth and genital herpes. i speak six different languages including welsh and hebrew. i make my own gin.

i was once an extra in some mothers do have 'em. i played a small dog.

when i grow up i would like to be grown up and be capable of growing a beard or at least maintaining an erection or a conversation. i like bill gates.

i'd like to go to the toilet now. can you please open the door?

Smith and Westie

2007-05-20T22:33:00.000+01:00

Hello, my name is Smith. This is me age 3. I had just been potty trained and achieved my bronze swimming award all in the same day, so I was allowed to have my photograph taken wearing the family jumper. Later that day my Father introduced me to Lambert & Butler, an unpleasant but essential part of my life, however by the age of 4, I much preferred a pipe.

Little did I know that by the age of 5 I would be completing my 3rd parachute jump into Germany, Ak-Ak's firing all around me, the smell of propane on my collar and excrement on the floor. With a parachute pack full of moth balls I jumped, imagining what destiny could have in store for me that day. Luckily there was not a war on at the time and I only suffered a broken leg.

More from 'The Memoirs of Smith' next week.

Film Review

2007-04-29T05:54:00.000+01:00

A new feature on comoox.com is our film preview. Matt and Rich obtain films from 'Dodgy Pete' at the Ferret and Kettle, sometimes even before they appear at the cinema, giving you, the potential viewer the chance to find out whether they are shit or not.

This week:

Spiderman 3 and The Man Made From Beach

Tobey Maguire again appears in this film as both Spiderman and the hapless tit Peter Parker, with Kirsten Dunce playing the supporting role of MJ, and well supported she appears to be.

All superheroes require a baddy to fight against and this time the honour arrives at the giant feet of Thomas Haden Church (Size 18!) Church Plays the evil Sandman who is created when a magic dog coughs up an opel fruit onto Brighton beach in front of a retired buttock specialist. A worthy oppenent too he is, being able not only to morph from man to sand and back again, but also he can be quick sand, magic sand, sand paper and Sandy Toksvig.

Spiderman's role in this film is to attempt to find a big enough can of talc to defeat The Sandman. However Spiderman's life is never easy is it? In this episode Spiderman meets his alter ego, his twin, dopple ganger and lookey likey, apart from this new Spiderman is black. This affords him the skills of rhythm, being able to dance and having a long Johnson.

The 3rd installment of this film is made much more exciting this time by the fact that our hero can now shoot cotton from his fingers, walk up walls and he also now carries a pea shooter in his back pocket.

My favourite part of the film was when a random person got up in front of the camera to get some more popcorn. My least favourite bit was the lack of female nudity.

In conclusion then, the copy of the film I watched was well dodgy and 'Dodgy Pete' is gonna get a kickin next time I see him. 5 quid I paid for that, although he did chuck in a pair of 'genuine' Levis with it, which are great although I still need to cut some holes for where my legs should go.

Next week: Pirates Of The Carribean 6: Old Man's Cough, Health & Safety: Danger! Fire in your kitchen

Thoughts for the day

2007-04-23T22:11:00.000+01:00

Does Mexican pornography have 'up-poncho' shots?

Is a bush in the hand worth two in the bird?

What the fucking hell is Tourettes?

Can I come round for tea please?

Do you have any spare change?

Why don't they make an episode of Dr Who in which he is a landlord instead?

Leslie Ash competition

2007-04-11T13:15:00.000+01:00

Whilst washing my next door neighbours cat I happened to stumble upon a magazine entitled "Big Jugs" - which was all about metal work. Now in said magazine was a competition. Now we all like competitions don't we boys and girls, especially competitions where you could win a years supply of makeup remover. The comoox.com office went wild over this and with the kind permission of "Big Jugs" we are allowing comoox readers to compete. All you have to do is complete the following sentence "Yesterday I had a very awkward incident involving a policeman and Leslie Ash...". As easy as that. Alan* our new window cleaner came up with the following. See if you can beat it!

"Yesterday I had a very awkward incident involving a policeman and Leslie Ash... Leslie and I had just been for a coffee after shopping for jaundice pills on the internet when we were stopped by a panting police officer. "Did you just see a man run this way", he gasped.... and followed with "Are you that Leslie Ash bint?". Now Leslie doesn't normally like to be stopped in the street especially by overweight police officers but as nice as she is she didn't make a fuss and told the police officer not to make a scene. "Make a scene!", he shouted "make a scene!... now why would I make a scene you pretentious tramp". At which point a buttered scone fell from an open top bus and landed on to his nose."

*Alan is on day release

When it rains it pours

2007-04-09T12:13:00.000+01:00

Ignoring the trouble we are having getting the comoox.com redesign fully up and running, rich and I have been having a double fun time in celebrity rehab. Here is an excerpt from my diary last week...

Technically it's neither right or wrong. Although rehab is meant to be a place to cleanse I find myself agreeing that getting pissed with robbie and britney and playing strip poker to be a somewhat sensible and frankly day to day thing to do. normality.

It's 9.45am. Britney jumps up and runs to the toilet to vomit. She's been doing this a lot lately which gives me a chance to write my memoirs. She claims it's ever since the 'up-skirt' photographs that were splashed across the globe - but I think it's because she only eats green leaves. Robbie and I exchange glances and do high-fives. What a fucking morning, he yawns. We've already drank a bottle of vodka and counselling starts at 10. We'll hide I'm sure.

Rich managed to escape through the toilet cistern last night and one of the wardens is looking for him in the grounds. We can't get out. It's in our contract. It's like fort fucking knox in here with CCTV cameras everywhere. They'll call off the alarm soon when they find him squating behind the bins pretending to be a bush or something.

Britney comes back and apologises for rushing. Where are we?, she questions as if all is well. Robbie is now naked and I'm down to my socks and 'george' underpants. Britney is wearing a three piece suit and a prada scarf. She knows her poker. neither of us has layed her yet although rich got closest whilst shaving her scalp the other night. she'd noticed his semi and curled a corner of her lip. In some countries that counts for full sex. What I'd give for a tit wank now.

Shaven or stirred?

2007-03-23T19:19:00.000Z

So here we are in rehab, getting cleaned up before the new launch of comoox.com. I'd like to think I've been put in rehab because I am dangerously funny, but the truth points more towards that fact that I have started sniffing pencils again. I remeber my school report for art "Rich always enjoys art, particularly sketching although he has the strange habit of drawing with his head very close to the table whilst snorting. I think it is an artistic eccentricity."

The 'carers' here are unaware of this however and kindly bring me a new fresh pencil everyday for my 'chimney avec pigeon' drawing project. I actually told them I had been injecting crack cocaine into my elbow joint.

I went into a 'neighbours' bedroom the other day to discover a gentleman laid on the floor in the foetal position, who looked a lot like Jude Law. Upon my entrance he announced, "Sorry, I may have farted a bit." He had actually farted a lot and by the stench I would have said that he had done a lot more. I swiftly left, stiffling a gag and went back to my pencils. They smell is so much better than Prada combats full of shite.

I return to my room only to find a girl who looked a lot like Paris Hilton making herself a wig out of pencil shavings. Looking at the size of the hair piece, it was apparent that it was either incomplete or not designed for the head. Maybe she could lend it to Britney. I was not annoyed, but merely savoured the lovely scent offered by the freshly shaven.......pencil. (Minds like sewers you lot. Dirty buggers!!)

... sorry for the delay....

2007-03-19T13:47:00.000Z

... but staff at comoox.com have been busily fitting a new kitchen.

new templates, new funny, new laughs coming soooooooon.

M.

:: A state of flux.... sorry ::

2007-02-19T13:16:00.000Z

Shock news:

"comoox.com goes to rehab "

After an eventful christmas and new year we really did hit the road hard. Tired and with tears in our blood shot eyes we move towards a brighter future.

Comoox.com is being rebranded, polished and re-motivated for a big 2007 year. Templates are being thrown out and content will be our aim. We are planning to re-brand the comoox.com logo and would like your help. If you can think of something better than 'where is my cat?' then please let us know. Current favourite is: "You could fit a bus in there" - which is at 3:1 with william hill.

Purely factitious!

2007-02-04T23:34:00.000Z

Custard is a 'thixotropic' substance and is the only known substance to be able to penetrate Fort Knox's 2 inch thick steel walls, which protect the worlds supply of 'skimming stones and 'jewels.' The custard is required to impact upon the wall at a minimum speed of 120mph, thus initiating its magical properties. It is said that these supernatural changes to the properties of custard happened circa 1432 when pixies ruled England.

Reports reveal that Moira Stewart has the most news in her head as compared to anyone in the world. She also holds the title for 'most news ever seen,' which is a higher number than 'most news in head' due to brain leakage and memory seapage. John Craven was the previous owner to this title until last week when Moira was told of how a friends hamster had become squashed under a pasta machine, just tipping her 'news reservoir' to one 'news' above that of John. He was said to be "pissed" and was last seen in Tescos asking shoppers if they had any 'news to fill his tank?'

Aliens do exist!!! according to a Farmer in America who said that he saw an alien once and that he was bright green and seven foot tall. He came out of a giant rotating sapcecraft ("like that one in Close Encounters") and entered his bedroom window. After playing the didgeridoo for 20 minutes he left and "lasered one of his cows to bits." Amazing!!

If you place an egg near a magnet, the egg will be pulled towards the magnet or vice versa depending on the mass of said objects, the coefficient of friction for the underlying surface, the 'strength' of the magnet, the distance between said objects and the orientation of the egg. The egg must also be made of iron.

Recent scientific studies have given intriguing insight into the birth of the universe. Dedicated scientists have discovered that the birth of the universe was actually a mistake and that those involved in creating it, just got carried away in the heat of the moment. Ashamed by their antics, now being termed 'The Big Bang,' the miscreants regret not calling it a day before the large explosion occured.

Anger management...

2007-01-24T13:11:00.000Z

Having recently found myself getting angrier and angrier about stuff that goes on in the world, I decided to attend an unusual anger management course in Carlisle billed as 'unrepeatable'.

Upon arrival I was stripped to the waist and thrown a coat made of cored apples. With my 'cape' barely covering my cowering anatomy I was ushered into a room full of 19 year old female media students who just stood and laughed before setting fire to all of the clothes I arrived in.

I was then sat down and told to watch a projector which flashed pornography interlinked with images of my house being burglarised. After 32 minutes of holding my breath I finally blew my top and ripped off my coat and ran full pelt at a man in the corner holding a clip board. Smashing into him I realised that it wasn't a 'him' but rather an 'it' made of pillows and moth balls. I had cracked.

I was placed into a wheelchair and pushed into a room with a doctor and two nurses waiting patiently. They administered to me immediately, covering me in buttercup syrup and leaving me to caramalise under the spot lights for one hour. I passed out.

I awoke at 4.30pm sat on a train to crewe with a note in front of me saying that all will now be well... (to be continued)

Chez Rich et Matt

2007-01-03T14:45:00.000Z

New for 2007, the COMOOX RESTAURANT- 'Where dreams of fine food have happened.'

Why not try our new bistro/restaurant/diner. It has food and drink, you can even come and eat and drink it!

Here is our current menu, go on, take a peepsy!

We Have a variety of guest ales, featuring 'Rancid Butler' and 'Poorly Surgeon.' We be also stocking a wide range of fine scottish whiskeys. Try a tot of 'Old Broken Foot' or a glass of fiery 'My Last Christmas.'

We are sure our quality ports will do nothing but delight you, try sipping a glass of 'Anal Tension' or for the most daring of you out there, a shot of 'Rick waller's Last Stand.' (All drinks are watered down to the owners taste.)

Look forward to catering up to you.

Chief Rich and Chef Matt

The COMOOX.COM christmas party...

2006-12-21T12:52:00.000Z

Last night was the comoox.com Christmas party - here is a summary of the who, what, where and why of what happened.

John, in accounts, who everyone thought was married actually turned up with his boyfriend. After a few drinks they were making a right scene, snogging like vampires on the dancefloor and groping each other.

Rich managed to steal the show on the dancefloor by knocking a waitress over when doing a head spin thingy before being caught quite literally making it up to her an hour later on a bench in the garden.

Matt was very astute. Pretending to drink sophisticated Jack and cokes but really seducing the new secretary Natalie with double vodkas in a vain attempt to get up her knickerless skirt - finally succeeding at 3am after agreeing to a 50% payrise for her.

Guest speaker John Leslie had the room in stitches with his anecdotes about 'sex with Abi' and how it wasn't really coke he was having but icing sugar. A large miss-understanding apparently as he has a really sweet tooth and likes nothing better than to see his beautiful girlfriend writhe around on a bed with another women whilst covered in his favourite cake topping.

Alas the long night drew to a premature end as Mandella, the new chief copywriter, heavily under the influence of some kind of anti-depressants, produced a gun and started firing wildly at the ceiling. After being rugby tackled to the floor by cleaners Terry and June he was left crying in the corner for his mother.

So that was it. A piss up to remember and some rather odd looking polaroids. Next years do is already in the pipeline with the poisidon adventure being the theme.

Until next year

Merry Christmas

Lana

We're back.... sorry

2006-12-12T13:40:00.000Z

After successfully eating my own weight in pancakes and syrup, getting married along the way and losing money regretfully in vegas, the comoox.com team have returned.

The stag / wed / honeymoon fest attended by all comoox.com staff will be fully documented in the next financial report. Keep your ears to the ground (technically not possible unless you remove one of them) and be prepared for guts and glory. Highlights inlclude shark hunting, knee scraping and monkey felching.

Comoox.

The James Bond workout - revealed!

2006-11-15T13:30:00.000Z

The sun shines as the ripped body emerges from the sea, carelessly pushing the used condoms and bleach bottles to one side, and onto Blackpool beach. Yes James Bond is back! Daniel Craig has emerged onto a screens as the slick and slightly shorter bond - but there's a question that everyone has been asking

How did Daniel get so fit for the role?

Well Comoox.com managed to get an exclusive interview with Sax Draken, personal trainer to the stars, to ask how this body was formed.

comoox: Sax, welcome, how the hell did he get a body like that?

Sax: Well it's all trickery comoox, and good morning.

comoox: It's actually afternoon here, but what do you mean trickery?

Sax: Well Daniel came to me a pretty fit fella so I knew straight away that all I needed to do was puff him out a bit.

comoox: So how was that done then?

Sax: I'll get to that. We trained hard and fast for about a month. Carrying books for schoolgirls and eating lots of cabbage. Daniel really likes chewing gum so we substituted this with well done steaks so that he was still always chewing but getting protein in the same instance.

comoox: Wow

Sax: Yes, wow.

comoox: And that was it then?

Sax: No. Daniel also likes to eat cheat. He would hollow out some of the books we made him carry so that he wasn't really lifting the weight. On one day we caught him eating a bag of crisps out of one of the books. Slacker.

comoox: So what did you do?

Sax: Well, with time running out and the 'sea' scene fastly approaching we had to do something fast. So we sat Daniel down and stuck little bits of papermache to his muscles. Over a period of about 6 days we built this muscule up and then wrapped it in cling film for the legendary scene. The director was very impressed with our work.

comoox: So it's not really muscle then.

Sax: No, just glue and paper.

comoox: Thanks for that

Sax: No worries.

comoox: I think there's someone at the door

Sax: oh

comoox: I'll have to go because I haven't got any trousers on.

Sax: ok

comoox: see you later then

Sax: Bye

comoox: yes, bye.

One word for it. Awesome.

COMOOX.COM IS COMING TO YOUR TOWN!

2006-11-08T13:32:00.000Z

Forget bonfire night and halloween. They're shit. What you need to be getting all giddy about is the comoox.com travelling fair!

Yes, coming to a town near you, eat pubeless candyfloss and ride all the merry rides at 5 pounds a go OR for a short period only buy a full day pass for only 37 pounds.

Get to see all the great attractions and sign the world famous comoox.com disclaimer.

New this year are:

"The old man of Wales" - legend says he's 400 years old. Touch his greying beard and get free longevity advice from the wise one.

"The Witches Tit" - Look through seven different colours of glass and be amazed about how flat and sad the tit really is.

"Moon walk" - Experience near zero gravity on a lunar landscape and have your picture taken with a real Buzz Aldrin lookalike! Marverlous!

Check out your local papers for details of our arrival.

* Note that due to bitterness there is an age and height restriction on The Witches Tit.

The state we're in!

2006-10-31T13:24:00.000Z

Somebody sent me this link..... I had to share it with you.... welcome to my country.

Swedish versus British Nightclubs

I'll be at the airport in a minute but I can't find my passport.

Ooooooo them cold nights

2006-10-26T13:35:00.000+01:00

Ghosts eh? Do they? Don't they? Would they? Would you? It's all a mystery with only the odd tit for tat evidence to suggest that it isn't just nutters seeing stuff out of the corner of their little eyes. "but you must of seen those pictures of floating ghostly figures and that?", I hear you ask. "no, I can't read", I reply.

So how and when do you see a ghost and that then? Well according to reports and that scouser on living tv, you are in the presence of a ghost if the hairs stand up on the back of your neck, or you feel a slight shiver, or need the toilet a lot, or the tv goes off on its own, or you lose your erection, or the cat leaves the room (especially if you don't have a cat) or you accidentally drop one of the best china dishes onto your tiled kitchen floor.

Now I don't believe in ghosts, well didn't, until I read about Campo McMarks. Campo McMarks was a carpenter used to live on Christmas Isle in the middle of the Pacific. Campo actually managed to marry a ghost. Can you believe it? He met and fell for 'Fanny' the ghost after she kindly opened a door for him when he was carrying chopped wood for a dwindling fire. After a short courting period they married in a brief ceremony in front of over 2000 people of who most were dead. They remained faithful to each other for sixteen years until Fanny was accidentally sucked into an industrial cleaner. Friends of the couple never actually saw Fanny but could tell when she was around due to her distinct smell. Campo subsequently committed suicide and asked for his cremated ashes to be sucked into the very same cleaner where Fanny went. Now that's the meaning of true love.

As a result of this the romantic side to me was won over and not one to miss all the action I'm now currently dating a poltergeist named Judy. We play squash together although she's not very good and we like to go to the cinema where she has a good laugh throwing popcorn at me. We plan to marry in the spring time although my parents disapprove.

Have you ever had dangerous liaisons with a ghost? Been aroused by a spectre? Fancy a fling with a floating ming?

Anyway, thanks for stopping by.

2006-10-11T11:19:00.000+01:00

Number 29 Creosote Street, Barnaby's pets and Aquatic life. A lovely sunny day and the smell of wet straw in the air. "Better feed the fish I thought." A daily task, scheduled at 10.00am, but sometimes it would be five past. It was a joy to see little Johnny swim from under his castle to receive his meal of what looks like confetti but smells like a prostitutes closet. A bell tinkles, a door slides open, "Oh Christ."

"Hello Mrs Figgley, I haven't seen you since....mmmmm, yesterday. More frozen locusts is it?"

"No Lionel, I just thought I would stop by and say hello."

"Hello then."

"Have you heard?"

"I'm guessing I haven't."

"Audrey Pinkerton has developed malaria after she went away with her toy boy from The Mews. Serves her right though, filthy cow, I always said a dirty life leads to dirty blood. Mind you, what is he thinking, she looks like an oil rig, even after her £3000 worth of cosmetic surgery. She looks like Pamela Anderson after a mining accident. I wouldn't date her but then again I have morals, I mean I musn't gossip but, do you know Judith at the clinic?"

"Judith?"

"Judith McAurthur, at the STD centre?"

"No, should I?"

"Well, she reckons she has seen her there at least 3 times and she only works there part time, given that her husband is away and lot and she has those 3 beastly children. I'd lock them in a cave and throw away the key I would."

"Nice, anyway thanks for stopping by."

"Yes, and did you know Ashley has been done for stealing again?"

"No I didn't."

"Oh yes, he stole a Wallett from Primark, was empty like, but it caused a right stink apparently. Store detectives chased him all over the place until they jumped on him in the knicker department and had to bind his hands with a ladies brassiere!"

"Golly, what is the world coming to? Well, thanks for stopping by. I'll get the door for you."

"speaking of doors, My sister tells me that Bobby Tilley has been having an affair with Brian Gold on the Barn Estate, both married, with kids and it turns out they are woofters! Who'd have thought, they're big blokes as well. Oooh it makes me shudder to think of what they get up to behind closed curtains. Our Billy says that Brian is probably the bitch whatever that means. I think they are both bitches for what they are doing to their families. Anyway, I can't stay here talking to you all day, I'll stop by tomorrow. Ta Ta love."

Finally a silence, almost like the world has stopped, Lionel can only hear the quiet bubbling of the oxygen in the water and the faint rustlings of a hamster in an empty toilet roll tube. Lionel contemplates how he loves the company of animals and hates Mrs Figgley.
"I think I will import an alligator and starve it," he mumbles to himself. "Yes, thats a good idea, Mrs Figgley will be stopping by, but she won't be leaving. I must go feed the fish, It's gone half past already!"

You've been facted!

2006-10-02T18:00:00.000+01:00

You've been facted is a new regular item which will be appearing regularly on comoox.com on a 'regular' basis, from time to time, here and there.

Fact 1: If all the hatstands in the world were placed end to end they would reach the sun and hold a magnificent 450,000,000 coats and macs, 205,000,000 hats (mainly fedoras) and 78 misplaced shoes. Interestingly scarves could not be used due to the increased risk of fire. The hats nearest the sun would be the hottest and most burnt, whereas the hats nearest the earth would be the most reachable and useful.

You've been facted!

"Shunt" have done it...

2006-09-24T11:01:00.000+01:00

"If I walk in a straight line towards a wool market and blink at the same time does it make sense to wash that way or not? I'm not sure, which is why I smile with a wink and then skip away, waving as if it hasn't really affected me, but oh it has and I'll probably cry tonight after watching some late night tv with peanut butter still around my mouth. When I wake I'll probably lazily read some pornography before attempting to make a smoothy out of an old cactus and some boiled sweets with ants in. I'll then feed it to the cats in the garden hoping that they won't shit in the soil anymore."

This is the beginning to "I'll take the big piece" the new memoirs by A.B Shunt, the infamous cigar smoking hermaphrodite, who starred in a total of 412 episodes of Casualty before finally bowing down in front of a high speed train. The memoirs give detailed accounts of how Shunt or 'Shunty' to his mates then went on to write and star in the hit musical "If you touch my leg again..." where the show would present a different ending every night from "...I'll pay you fifty quid" to "...I'll cut yer fucking balls off". After a series of mixed reviews Shunt went into a destructive cycle culminating in his high profile arrest whilst shooting up in Harrods. The memoirs detail how Shunt then went into hiding where rumours spread that he was working on his debut novel which was finally released in 1998 entitled "wrong hole". Shunt explains how these second written works took him six years to compile where he gives a detailed account of where it all began "I shouldn't have started but I was drunk and had just bought some fish so I thought what the hell".

Available in all good bookstores "I'll take the big piece" is out in late November with reading inadvisable.

The Great Debate 2: Aliens?

2006-09-17T12:30:00.000+01:00

Today's titanic debate, Aliens. Are they? If they are, who are they? And most importantly, do they go to Betty's Tea Rooms? Off we go...

Like a few other people, I have watched several films containing aliens. Most films I have seen depict aliens as nasty creatures with big teeth, double mouths, acid for blood or long necks. (Ok, I may have only seen one film with aliens in it.)

These films (film) are obviously made to scare us and on many occasions I have had to visit the lavatory rather sharply and then rewind the film to see the bits I missed, only to immediately revisit the lavatory again on the second viewing. Other films depict aliens as friendly creatures who want to be friends with us or maybe just muck about a bit on earth.

So, which of these portrays aliens correctly, or do aliens exist at all? I don't know, but I can take a guess, though I'm not going to tell you for fear of looking stupid. Lets get down to intergalactic brass tacks.

First of all there was the big bang, which created the universe. If aliens were alive at this time, it would have killed them, a completely irrelevant point. Aliens may well have evolved, just as we have, but hundreds of miles away. The law of averages says this must be true. But, as we know, if something is average, it is not very good, so that argument can be discarded too. Thanks.

It would be very egotistic of us to assume that we are the only beings in the universe. It is difficult to imagine how large the universe is, but think of thousands of football pitches sewn together. That gives you an idea. So lets assume aliens do exist. Are they nice or nasty? I don't know. If aliens were nasty then I am sure that they would travel to our world in order to dominate it and claim it as their own, or just maybe bully us for something to do. If they were nice, they probably want to just let us get on with our lives and not bother us, just to be kind. They may spy on us from a spaceship, but only for fun. They may come down to earth and tickle you in your sleep like a silver intergalactic Santa.

Assuming then that aliens are nice (because they haven't yet invaded us or shot us with laser beams) we can therefore think that, if they did visit us to say hello and have some earth tea, we could fire missiles at them, shoot them and drown them (if they had lungs) and they would be too nice to fight back or say, "Stop it please!" This is a comforting thought. I could glue a dead alien to my wall.

Some say aliens live among us. I am half inclined to believe this having met some very strange people, but on the other hand aliens would have sharp teeth, tentacles, a long neck, a glowing finger, or some distinguishable feature that would out them as not of our kind and would therefore be put in a zoo for children to torment. Also there would be laser guns handed in at the recent amnesty.

In conclusion then, there is no conclusive evidence to say whether aliens exist and if they do, are they nice or nasty. All we can do is look at the evidence that we do have and make sensible assumptions. This is what I have tried to do. If an alien is reading this by the way, do come to my house for some earth tea and can I have a go in your spaceship please?

What do you think? Send us your views on the matter. Have you met an alien? Did you have sex with them? Do they smoke cigarettes? Did they let you have a go in their space ship?

The truth is out there!