COMOOX.COM presents a story of love, friendship and compassion ...
In order to discover himself and maybe even a best friend, Howard decided to send out an advert to a local contact page...
Howard awaited a response. Little did he know that he was about to embark on a journey of self-discovery to a little place called friendship...
Dear 71846,
I read your advert with great interest and felt a compulsion to write to you as I was once close to a fire but did not burn.
About me then, I am a keen cinema goer, have you seen 50 first dates? No! not fifty first state, everyone says that. That’s got Samuel L. Jackson in it with the kilt. I wish I was born as him – he’s scary looking. I don’t know about you but I like to hide behind a cushion and dim the lights down by switching them off.
I am amazed by how much we have in common and would love to hear more about you and hopefully be proper friends – Who are you? Do you like cars? Do you believe in fate? You obviously like food – did you know that pasta originated in Durham? I eat pasta with everything. My favourite is conchigle and also that wibbly one, I think it’s called rigatone, or is that something dead people get?
Do you have much family and are you spending Christmas with anyone special? Do you like Christmas? I’ll tell you all I know about it if you like.
Please write back to me, I think this could be the start of something really fun. I live in Rotherham.
Yours sincerely,
Michael L. Mahogany
P.S. I love art. What is most important to me is still life and always has been.
Howard, with tongue sticking out, penned his honest reply:
Dear Michael,
Thanks for the letter before Christmas. You like films, you like pasta – you are like me so I am happy to write. I will be true to you, you were not my first choice. I did send a letter to Kevin in Wiltshire but he never responded. I used green ink though – would that put you off?
I have not seen 50 first dates but have seen fifty first state. I love kilts in films. I loved Braveheart, but Grandma had to translate.
I don’t like cars and don’t want to. I cannot drive. I like walking but only when it is dry.
How was your Christmas? I went to my Grandma’s as my mother and father are both dead. My brother doesn’t speak to me now. We watched Les Dennis and ate salad as she is on a diet. She is 72 and is ‘fit as a fiddle’ the doctor tells her. You would like her. She has a piece of metal in her hip. She also likes movies. She likes anything with Brad Pitt in. I don’t like his face or his shoulders. I am more of an Alex Guinness fan – although dead had a much nicer face. Not now though.
Grandma says that I am pasta mad and will end up looking like a piece. Every week I get the bus into Hull and buy seven different types of pasta – one for each day. I like Wednesdays best as I eat Penne and you can eat it. Mother had rigatone when I found her in the kitchen. I didn’t get to see father.
You said you like art. Please tell me about it as I don’t really like it. I once sent a painting of mother and father to Heartbeat but they never showed it. I used to like Tony Heart.
Please reply,
Howard Edward Lionel Pritchard
P.S. I will try and find a picture of me to send you
P.P.S. I think that the boiler just came on.
P.P.P.S. Actually I think it might just be next door coming home
P.P.P.P.S. No I was right the first time. I can feel the radiator heating up. It must have come on.
A swift response by Michael:
Dear Howard (it is so nice to finally put a name to the words. It is difficult imagining personal interactions with someone when you don’t know their name.)
Sorry for the late reply, but I dropped a box of eggs on the floor. It’s OK though as I don’t like eggs. Firstly, of course I don’t mind that I am second best to ‘Kevin of Wiltshire’ however I know of him (or his kind.) He may be a milkman by day but I bet at night he illegally sells rare birds, like the Pickwick Pigeon and the Doncaster Falcon. He probably murders the one’s he can’t sell (with broken bottles.)
Anyway enough of that, Doctor tells me not to dwell on it. She is incredibly fascinating my doctor. I asked her where babies come from and she told me all about relationships. She says that boys brains are the ‘anode’ and girls brains are the ‘cathode.’ She says I probably have both however that doesn’t mean I want to go out witching for boys. It may explain why I like Richard and Judy though. Richard puts so much electricity into their relationship, he has burnt Judy’s head off! I think her face looks like a scone.
I think about my dream relationship as an electrical circuit. My wife would not be able to ‘resist’ me, she would have a small ‘capacity,’ I would have a dog named ‘chip’ though our daughter wouldn’t live with us as I had ‘solder!’ Only joking I love her really. As you can tell, I like jokes. I’ll tell you something funny - Policemen’s helmets look like women’s boobies. When I see one I have an urge to knock one off!
I am afraid I HATE Les Dennis as my family were poor. I detest gloaters. I love Dennis Taylor though with his funny goggles. I have seen them in shop windows and I pretend that I go in and put them on shouting “squawk, I’m Dennis Taylor, squawk.’ I think he looks like an owl!
Do you have any pets? I have a cat called George McCartney. Well, I say he’s my cat, he occasionally gets locked in my bedroom, though I think he may belong to Mr and Mrs McCartney at the caravan in the field.
I love art as there are lots of rude pictures in museums. This is why I like art, I once saw a picture in Milton Keynes and it was just a giant lady beard! I was really enjoying myself there till the man in the uniform told me it was early closing. What a shame. Some people stayed, they must have had a special pass.
Tony Hart was rubbish, he did good pictures most of the time but half way through it showed his scrapbook. I drew better pictures than that when I was 12!
I must go, I have run a bath and must get in before the best bubbles go. I love to curl up all nice and warm and wet and pretend I’m inside my Mother.
Hope I’ve not bored you.
Mikey L. Mahogany.
P.S. Have you seen any good films recently?
P.P.S. I haven’t.
P.P.P.S. The telly is too good, I watch all the soaps apart from dirty Hollyoaks, it makes me squint.
P.P.P.P.S. Aren’t tramps funny!
So how can Howard responsd...
Mikey,
Thanks for your last letter. I do apologise for not replying, I have been having a bad time of things lately. Since my last letter the following things have happened to me:
- Had food poisoning from an uncooked chicken
- Cut my finger on a rusty gate. Had to have an injection and passed out.
- Was turned down for a new job (chef)
- Lost the keys to my bicycle
- Arrested
- Lost my bicycle
- Scabies
- Sang in a choir
As you can see I have had quite the time of it. On the positive side, talking of relationships, I did meet a lady. She was also accidentally singing in the choir. We shared some soup at one of the homeless shelters in town. She looked funny as one of her front teeth was missing. Her name was Jalopy. She was from Hungary. I have not seen her since although I do go by the shelter every day on my trip home from the cemetery.
As you can see I have decided to get a job. I was turned down for a job at the Farmers Arms. I wanted to be a chef. I told them that I had cooked for Lord Mountbatton and they seemed very impressed. I didn’t tell them that it was lie. I cooked them an omelette. I may have put too much milk in it though as it was very runny. Some people don’t like milk. I do. I like all meat.
I am going to the Hull Fair at Walton Street Fairground a week on Tuesday. I get very excited about the haunted house. I like to imagine that all the ghosts and noises are real. Last year I was sick and had a panic attack.
I am sorry that this is such a short letter but I am running low on paper and have to write a letter to the council. It will be a big one. They have decided to lower my council tax with no reason why. I hope that they don’t take my Library Card away. I have noticed that the bin men are getting thinner. It is always a bad sign.
Speak soon,
Howard.
p.s. Would you like to meet up? I am going to the Pizza and Pasta exhibition in London Olympia. I already have my train tickets. I’m going on the 3rd November.
"Letters between Friends" will continue next week - will Michael take to the offer of a meeting? - ooooh the tension...