Welcome to the COMOOX.COM releationship advisor...
Poonam Rooney - Love Guru
"Welcome class. Please, take a seat. No not the chaise longue, that's where Suravinda the tigress sits.
Ready for enlightenment? Then let me begin.
To understand love we must first understand life. Now unless you're the Pope or Bono or Oprah you've probably made a lot of mistakes in your time and will continue you to do so until you shuffle off this mortal coil. For example, I'm sure all of us, whilst driving down a country lane late at night might have hit something we suspect was a person but then 'forgotten' to report it to the appropriate authorities. It's fact.
Disappointment is another reality of life. This existence is less American Dream more British Hallucination of Disillusionment. We must apply the same points to relationships. Human beings are complex, tangled individuals who are incapable of peacefully co-existing and seem to fuck shit up at every opportunity. Accept it, just like you're never going to be an astronaut you will also never be the master of love. All I can do as a relationship guru is steer your ship in the right direction. It's up to you to avoid the iceberg and prevent that gastro-flu bug spreading to everyone on board. You get me? Walt Disney does not preside over our universe, the Sword of Damocles does, so that means the shit will hit the fan, eggshells may well be trodden on and the cat will definitely be let out of the bag. You follow?
So, let me reiterate. I'm here to help with your relationship dilemmas but it won't involve a soothing lexicon and a lollipop. Whatever grave you've managed to dig yourself into – caught with the secretary, the milkman, high-ranking members of the British government or that donkey that's in the field next to the pub – I'll aid you to claw your way back out.
Dear Poonam, I'm 36 years old and live with my parents. I have joined lots of clubs (model aircrafts, modern engineers society,) but still can't find women who like me - what am I doing wrong? William C, Bradford.
Your taking all the right steps it just appears that luck is not on your side, my dear. I suggest taking a trip down to your local Weight Watchers meeting and see what handsome woman with low self esteem and body confidence issues you can find there. Remember to use the double doors at the back.
Poonam, I have been seeing my boyfriend now for two months and we have not yet had sex. I am scared however as I always cry when I orgasm - how should I broach the subject with my boyfriend? Patricia Y, Jersey.
You can orgasm with a man? Congratulations, I'd cry too. All I can suggest is that you invest in a water feature for your bedroom in the hope it can explain away any trickling noises. Alternatively you could blame hayfever and tell him the sandalwood in his overpowering aftershave is setting off your allergies. Always try to blame the other person and remember whatever you do, turn off the lights. No-one wants to see that.
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Remember, If you've got a relationship problem and no one can help you then maybe Poonam can help - email your problems to comoox@comoox.com using the subject line "help".
Poonam Rooney has been created, groomed, voiced and maintained by our very own guest writer Britpopbaby - read how she deflects life's shit at:
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