A vicar and a potato?

It's been a while but today of all days I couldn't resist...

So in the news today there has been a story about a vicar that turned up at hospital with a potato up his bottom! Now I'm assuming that he didn't misread the definition of chitting but it got me thinking... what are the top ten things that people have checked into hospital upon (inside) their person:

10. A darth vader figurine
9. A box of silk tray
8. Tin of sardines
7. A friendship bracelet
6. A life size replica of Michael Winner
5. A chocolate starfish
4. An I love NY snow globe
3. Jeremy beadles hand
2. The entire cast of "My two dads"
1. A Charles and Diana full dinner set with matching napkins, tablecloth and an inscribed 213 piece cutlery set with the words "I'm not what you think i am, I may be made of wool, but i'm not stupid", written on.

So the question to all reader is.... what have you found / left / wanted up you?

Goodbye...

"say goodbye Tommy"

"goodbye Tommy"

The End.

Losing track of time - cracked ribs and rickets

Hot off the press:

comoox.com is to close. Yes comoox.com is to be no more. Where is my cat? has served its purpose and as a result will move on.

Matt and Rich are to concentrate now on other projects and can no longer apply their trade to the website. Both have enjoyed their writing and the feedback received and they've both enjoyed talking with new people.

A book written by both entitled "I thought you said 2am?" is due out in Spring 08. Please continue to check Amazon for its release.

The following statements have been released from both:

Matt - "It's was good whilst it lasted but like a bad turd - it starts to go stale after a while"

Rich - "Can you take the chains off me now?"

Goodbye and good night.

Lana.

have you seen my nipples?

my name is alan. i am a gemini. i like to dress up at weekends and drink too much so that i am sick when i arrive at work on a monday morning.

my favourite food is gravy. i like sucking on cherries and spitting the pips at cats. i once dated kate blanchett and can often be found sniffing around gordon ramsey's feet.

i like to pretend that i am a ghost when in the park by floating like a baloon and not caring about the world. when i was twelve i accidentally fell into the canal whilst being carried in the shopping basket of a bike. i was told that i almost drowned but was saved by vanessa felts who gave me mouth to mouth and genital herpes. i speak six different languages including welsh and hebrew. i make my own gin.

i was once an extra in some mothers do have 'em. i played a small dog.

when i grow up i would like to be grown up and be capable of growing a beard or at least maintaining an erection or a conversation. i like bill gates.

i'd like to go to the toilet now. can you please open the door?

Smith and Westie

Hello, my name is Smith. This is me age 3. I had just been potty trained and achieved my bronze swimming award all in the same day, so I was allowed to have my photograph taken wearing the family jumper. Later that day my Father introduced me to Lambert & Butler, an unpleasant but essential part of my life, however by the age of 4, I much preferred a pipe.

Little did I know that by the age of 5 I would be completing my 3rd parachute jump into Germany, Ak-Ak's firing all around me, the smell of propane on my collar and excrement on the floor. With a parachute pack full of moth balls I jumped, imagining what destiny could have in store for me that day. Luckily there was not a war on at the time and I only suffered a broken leg.

More from 'The Memoirs of Smith' next week.

Film Review

A new feature on comoox.com is our film preview. Matt and Rich obtain films from 'Dodgy Pete' at the Ferret and Kettle, sometimes even before they appear at the cinema, giving you, the potential viewer the chance to find out whether they are shit or not.

This week:

Spiderman 3 and The Man Made From Beach

Tobey Maguire again appears in this film as both Spiderman and the hapless tit Peter Parker, with Kirsten Dunce playing the supporting role of MJ, and well supported she appears to be.

All superheroes require a baddy to fight against and this time the honour arrives at the giant feet of Thomas Haden Church (Size 18!) Church Plays the evil Sandman who is created when a magic dog coughs up an opel fruit onto Brighton beach in front of a retired buttock specialist. A worthy oppenent too he is, being able not only to morph from man to sand and back again, but also he can be quick sand, magic sand, sand paper and Sandy Toksvig.

Spiderman's role in this film is to attempt to find a big enough can of talc to defeat The Sandman. However Spiderman's life is never easy is it? In this episode Spiderman meets his alter ego, his twin, dopple ganger and lookey likey, apart from this new Spiderman is black. This affords him the skills of rhythm, being able to dance and having a long Johnson.

The 3rd installment of this film is made much more exciting this time by the fact that our hero can now shoot cotton from his fingers, walk up walls and he also now carries a pea shooter in his back pocket.

My favourite part of the film was when a random person got up in front of the camera to get some more popcorn. My least favourite bit was the lack of female nudity.

In conclusion then, the copy of the film I watched was well dodgy and 'Dodgy Pete' is gonna get a kickin next time I see him. 5 quid I paid for that, although he did chuck in a pair of 'genuine' Levis with it, which are great although I still need to cut some holes for where my legs should go.

Next week: Pirates Of The Carribean 6: Old Man's Cough, Health & Safety: Danger! Fire in your kitchen

Thoughts for the day

Does Mexican pornography have 'up-poncho' shots?

Is a bush in the hand worth two in the bird?

What the fucking hell is Tourettes?

Can I come round for tea please?

Do you have any spare change?

Why don't they make an episode of Dr Who in which he is a landlord instead?