The News but not as we know it ...
So what's been happening in the world this week...
Hundreds of people have been protesting in Birmingham against the closure of the HP sauce factory. The "Save our Sauce" campaign started peacefully with police turning a blind eye to some unsavoury language. The protests however were marred when a group of 'Red only' supporters managed to infiltrate the gates of the factory resulting in minor clashes. A Morris Taylor from Sutton Coldfield was injured in the scuffles with police arresting four people. A spokesman for HP left with 'red' on his tie said "It is with deep regret that such peaceful protests can be upset by a small percentage of people who have the audacity and lack of intelligence to think that red goes better with bacon on bread".
In Big Brother news - half man, half tit Sezer Yurtseven has been well and truly wanked off the program. The 26 year old was voted off the show with the hightest ever percentage of votes (a massive 91%). Sezer known for his ripped abs and small penis was voted off the show after being continuously "edited in a bad light". Sezer joins ex housemates Shahbaz, George, Bonnie and Dawn who are now expected to set up their very own splinter house touring the country in a caravan full of cameras. Asked whether he had any regrets he said "I once had the opportunity to go to the moon - I turned them down because I was busy licking my own arse - I regret that"
It's just a phase their going through...In 1982 there was the rubiks cube, in 86 and 90 it was the panini sticker albums, in 93 the yoyo made a come back and in recent years Harry Potter and the tamagochi has been all over the shop. But this summer a new craze is sweeping all of the schools. Celebrity Sperm Swapping is the rage. Kids can buy five 
vials of celebrity semen for £1 and receive a free chewing gum with every pack. Vials come with a sticker of the donating celebrity and statistics on virility and mobility of the sperm. Kids then attempt to fill ‘sperm albums’ with a list of desired celebrities. Frustrated kids then have to swap and barter the sperm in order fill their albums. Highly rated celebrities are then swapped for multiple vials of ‘low grade’ sperm from Hollyoaks celebrities and ex-Olympic sportsmen. The top five most sort after vials are as following:
Number 5: Bernie Clifton
Number 4: Adam Sandler
Number 3: Nadia (ex-big brother)
Number 2: Ian Rush
Number 1: Jimmy Saville (comes in a gold vial)
Authenticity of the celebrity owner is provided by way of a DNA sample purchased at extra cost.