Its another day in the Big Brother house.

Rich has been using his astrology/astronomy/gastrology skills to predict the housemates future. He read Herman's palm and predicted that he will learn to stop fiddling with things that shouldn't be fiddled with. He will marry his own Mother to only the appear on 'Wife Swap' and literally swap his Mother permanently, replacing her with a Vietnamese milkmaid. He will not have any children but will own a collection of lambs, or a 'suspension of lambs,' as it is known, one of which will murder his brother Thomas.

Sandra had her tea leaves read only to discover that she will live in a bin round the back of Netto selling her body to gain enough pence to pay for her muffin addiction (blueberry.)

Rich looked into his crystal balls to predict Daves's life to come. Amazingly Dave will undergo plastic surgery to make his face look like a sausage (pork and apple.) Major elongation and thinning will be performed on the structure of thye face, his jaw will be swapped for his brow and his eyes will be placed one on top of the other. He will be recruited by the army following this surgery, an ideal soldier given his visual advantage. He will be placed in the 'looking over walls and fences platoon.' This annoys Australia greatly who refuse to give anymore surfing lessons to Brits. City bars will also become devoid of bar staff.

Rich predicts his own future by looking at the stars. As expected he will be very Rich, own a giant water slide in his back garden and be the fastest man on 2 arms and 2 legs. He will win everything at all his children's sports day. People will travel all over the world to listen to his stories about a drunken yachtsman. He will help the police rip the legs off criminals. That'll learn em!

Its day blah di blah in the Big Brother House.

Rich entered the diary room at 6.00am this morning, finally emerging at 10.00pm to curious housemates. Rich was eager to reveal the efforts of his hard toil and also the reason for spending so long from the group. Rich has turned the diary room into a shop! He has named it 'The Little Shop Of Tomorrows' and sells all kinds of items from bric-a-brac to old shoes. The rest of the house were delighted at the new oppurtunity to waste time and immediately began perusing his wares.

Sandra, the ugly but thinks she a goddess bitch-bag, bought a book about lamb, Stephen the Norwegian dwarf with vitiligo bought a victorian gas lamp, Dave the ever so boring sausage enthusiast bought a fluffy stone fish which he called 'Timmy' and Freda the scantly clad/semi-naked/exhibitionist bought a large coat (well, it was really forced on her by Rich who deems her satanic, wanton and rotten to the core. Herman bought a butt plug in the shape of Anneka Rice.

Rich plans to enlarge his empire and possibly spread to the garden, allowing the sale of large wild animals such as, lions, bears, tigers, oh my, it would be a giant illegal zoo swapping extravaganza. Rich fancies a falcon named Kirsty.

At the end of the day, Rich counted his profits and placed the wad of cash in the draw string of his trousers. Rich says he is thinking of spending the money on a gun as Freda is definately spoiling.

Its day whatever in the Big Brother house.

Rich has put in a request to Big Brother. He wants to leave the Big Brother house as he suddenly wants to become a professional restaurant critic. He claims to have less taste buds than the Taj Mahal and the varied palette of diabetic lion, so this new career will pose an interesting challenge. He began today by sucking different blades of grass to see if he could tell the difference between 'dew' and 'back sweat.' He concluded that they must consist of exactly the same ingredients as there was no distinguishable taste. His next plan is to experiment with the gastronomic nuances of toilet water.


Big Brother gave the house mates a puzzle to solve today, which if correctly solved, will allow their families to live.


The puzzle is thus:



On the way to my cave in St. Ives,

I met a man with seven eyes,

Every eye had seven styes,

Every stye had seven flies,

Every fly told seven lies,

What should you do if he dies?


Rich correctly guessed the answer which was - 'Throw him in the fucking river.' His family will be saved from slaughter this evening, although he says he is not bothered about his Auntie Maureen, she makes him eat fish.

Rich was last seen today tasting everyones underwear, including his own, which he claimed tasted 'earthy.'

It should be day 23 in the Big Brother house but its not. Don't ask why, you really shouldnt know, and if you did the world could end. It's bigger than you think so don't even ask any questions, you could get us shot, killed by murder or homocidially eradicated.



Instead of the scheduled programme we have an interesting array of short films or 'movie bites' as I like to call them. The first is a 5 minute documentary on Billie Crystals phlegm-past and present. An interesting portrayal into the green gargle goo of one of Sweden's favourite film actors and french polisher extraordinaires. The short programme features not only striking pictures but also classic video footage of top class hockling, frequently ending in a tremendous crescendo of gob oyster formation. "Its just the way he delicately dribbles it from the corner of the mouth, allowing full travel to the chin, until the main body of the grunt reaches the lips where a superbly executed suction is performed. Of course we always finally get to see a masterfully executed dislay of the green little chump in the pit of the tongue." - Ralph Schaumacher, President of the 'Orally Manufactured Substance And Smell Comitee (OMSASC.)' "He is like a man peacock!" - Dolph Lundgren (he was in Rocky 'he is like a piece of steel' etc etc.)



The second show in the billing is the endearing and wonderfully entitled short film 'If you dont stop, I will break your nose, you pissy little sack of mangasm.' A comedy based upon the life of Sir Walter Raleigh. This non stop chucklathon will have you laughing for hours after you have gone to sleep with witty one liners such as "thats not a potatoe, thats my uncle Gregory" and "For god's sake Walter, you will have to go digital!" My favourite qoute of all comes from Walter himself (played by Bilbo Baggins) "Mildred, you silly cow, you have sewn my long johns to the sofa!"



If there is any time left we, may show the final instalment of 'why do crabs need to see so high anyway?'

Its day 32 in the Big Brother House.

It’s Sam’s birthday and Rich has baked him a cake in the shape of Magneto out of X-men, who is played by Ian McCellan. Sam describes himself as a heterosexual homosexual with gay/bi tendencies and says his bottom is like a shopaholics purse. Big Brother also suspects that he may fancy men.

On crafting the cake, Rich explained that the hardest part was sculpting the edge of the helmet next to the face. Magneto went down well and come midnight, everyone was shattered. Some house mates were sat in Big Brother's pool and were left dripping outside for 5 minutes as Rich refused them re-entry. Rich finally decided to open the entrance and all 3 house mates piled inside, shivering wildly.

It’s been a strange day and Big Brother is not quite sure why.

Its day 32 in the Big Brother house.

Rich has visited the Big Brother veterinary surgeon to have his teeth darkened. Several aeroplanes have landed in the Big Brother Garden after mistaking Rich's teeth for a runway. The darking is brought about by an application of 'miner's foot' and door hinge grease (the blackest substances known to man) directly onto the enamel of all offending teeth using a charcoal spatula. Rich has also been instructed to reduce the frequency and size of grins after 10.00pm.

Todays task involved collecting a specified amount of urine from various woodland animals in a specified time. House mates failed time after time on their conquest for the warm golden prize, some collecting incorrect substances by mistake. Rich however collected just enough bladder water to gain the house mates their weekly oxygen allowance. An unusal technique of whispering, mild buffeting and back scratching allowed a vast quantity of sunshine liquid to be collected from each animal in turn. House mates were amazed at the intricate and complicated procedure carried out by Rich (apart from Herman who claimed to have seen the same thing done on a video of his Uncles.)

Tomrrow is ketchup day. Get out your flags and burn a tyre.

It's day 31 in the Big Brother house. ( And also St. Harold's day. Hurray, get out your milk for old St. Harold!)

Rich took the the younglings to the Big Brother park early this morning, "Big Brother doesn't have a park!" I hear you cry. And I say, "shut up, I'm trying to tell a story." He took them to play on the swings and unfortunately, due to a badly placed finger, a fight erupted between two of the younglings. Fearing for the health of the children he separated them using the sharp end of a bee and promptly removed the large knives he had given them.

In the afternoon Rich drowned the children and returned to the big brother house where he constructed a small dwelling out of mildly moist teabags. Claiming that the teabags removed all the suns harmful rays and allowed all the sun's good rays to pass through, he managed to entice 3 naked female house mates into the small house. After a good game of 'nurse and doctor' the 3 house mates emerged looking definately fitter around the neck. Rich remained in his house absorbing the final sunshine of the day, until dusk. On leaving his house his stats had changed thus: Power +1 Stamina+2 weakness +5 hairyness -1 bendyness -3 ability to taste the difference between coke and diet coke -6 and finally jumpyness in cinemas +2.

Rich is now no longer the man you thought he wasn't and has become the man you never thought he could be, or was, or is, or no longer is. He is a man mole hill, a blip on the universe's radar and a potential Grandfather to boot. He can climb ladders, penetrate thin air and cough on request. He can bend a mouse in two and tickle an owl to submission. Do not enter the kitchen unless you want to feel the cold! Be warned.